Guilty! As an adult caregiver for your parents or as an adult child with aging parents, it’s not always easy. Feelings of guilt are nearly universal.
In this “Dear Care Guide” article, our Care Guides focus on four different clients in different situations. Each has his/her own unique situation. But each feels the same emotion: guilt. This article will give you a flavor of what it’s like to speak directly to a Homethrive Care Guide.
Elderly Mother Guilt Trip
Dear Care Guide,
I work full-time, and I visit my mother every Saturday. Her mind is sharp, but she’s in pain which limits her activity. I do her grocery shopping, bring lunch (and often dinner), help her shower, and spend time with her. She wants to stay in her own home and expects my siblings and me to provide for her every need. No matter how much I do, she always wants more. How can I stop feeling guilty as if whatever I do is never enough?
Discouraged Daughter
Dear Discouraged,
I’m glad you reached out.
It sounds like you’re a very loving daughter who gives generously to her mother. Feelings of guilt are very normal for adult children providing care to their aging parents.
You cannot “make” someone else happy or appreciative. But you can be proud of yourself. Consider some positive self-talk. Make a list of all the loving and caring activities that you do. Post it at home or work where you can see it. Read these aloud to remind yourself what a caring person you are.
At the same time, it’s important to practice self-care. In other words, it’s ok for you to take time for yourself. Neglecting your own needs can lead to feelings of resentment and burnout.
When your mom tries to send you on a guilt trip, try to practice selective listening. For example, if she says, “Oh, it’s good to FINALLY hear from you.” Do your best to tune out these words or phrases. Also try to reframe it in your mind as if your mom is actually trying to say: “I really miss you!”
Your mother sounds as if she may be lonely. Perhaps she is relying on you and your siblings for all her social and emotional needs. She may benefit from expanding her social activities with some of her peers.
I’m also wondering if all of your siblings are contributing as they can. Perhaps this is something we could explore. As your Care Guide, I’m happy to help you with how to broach that conversation or to be on a call together. We can also look at potential senior-friendly technology solutions that may help.
If your siblings aren’t available, perhaps we could work together to hire some home care services for your mom. These are services that I can help coordinate as part of my role. In that way, you could spend more “fun” time with your mom. For example, you two could go to a movie or create a memory book together.
Your Unlimited Homethrive plan includes as much phone time with me as you like. If you’re interested, I’d be happy to explore this with you further on the phone. If that’s not convenient for you, emails like this work, too!
Let me know what’s best for you.
Sincerely,
Your Care Guide
Long-distance Caregiver Guilt
Dear Care Guide,
My parents live in Arizona, and I live in Illinois. My brother and his wife, who live near my parents, do all the heavy lifting when it comes to my parents’ care. I feel like I need to spend all my vacation days visiting them. But my husband and kids want to go to Florida for vacation this year. My son has the opportunity to play in his high school marching band there. I feel torn between my husband and kids on one side, and my parents and brother/sister-in-law on the other. Why do I feel so guilty?
Feeling Guilty No Matter What
Dear Feeling Guilty,
You’re not alone. Approximately 7 million Americans are long-distance caregivers who live an hour or further from their parents. It’s very common for long-distance caregivers to feel guilty. Remind yourself that you’re doing your best.
Talk to your brother, sister-in-law, and your parents. What could you do from Illinois that would be helpful? Can you help pay bills or manage their finances? Schedule doctor appointments? Would it be helpful to call your parents more often to check in on them? Or send cards and letters? Can you and your husband offer to finance some respite care for your brother and sister-in-law? Our eBook “Strategies for the Long-distance Caregiver” may give you additional tips and ideas.
Often, guilt is associated with the word “should.” What “should’s” are you telling yourself? Only you know what your heart really wants. Ask yourself if you’re acting out of love or a sense of duty or obligation. Give yourself some grace. Consider making a list of what you DO and posting it to remind yourself of the activities that you do from a distance and when you come to visit.
Consider creative options. Can you see your parents AND go to Florida? Would your boss allow you to work remotely near your parents for a few days, so you don’t have to use up your vacation days. Or could you take a few days of unpaid vacation?
Each situation is unique.
Let me know if this was helpful. I’m happy to explore additional long-distance care strategies for your unique situation. Feel free to reach out by email any time. Your Homethrive Essentials plan also includes up to two hours of phone time with me each month—at no additional charge. I would be happy to talk to you or continue to communicate by email with you.
Warm regards,
Your Care Guide
Caregiver Guilt and Nursing Home Placement
Dear Care Guide,
I’ve worked hard, and I have an MBA. My parents helped pay my undergraduate tuition. I now have a fantastic job that I love. My dad often reminds me that he didn’t have the opportunity to go to college, because he had to support his family after his father died. My mother recently passed away. Now, my dad wants to move in with my wife and me. (In our culture, it’s expected that aging parents live with their children.) Honestly, I think I would lose my mind (and perhaps my marriage) if he moved in with us. I appreciate how hard he worked for our family when I was growing up. How do I refuse him without feeling guilty and ungrateful the rest of my life?
Just Can’t Do It
Dear Just Can’t,
My condolences on the loss of your mother. This has to be a difficult time for your family.
A sudden change in everyone’s living situation could make the situation more complicated. Moving in with you may not be the best choice for you or your father.
Generally, we recommend waiting a year or so after a major life event before making any big decisions.
As your Care Guide, I can help you with the conversations with your father and finding the resources you need.
You might say, “Dad, I love you, and I will always be sure that you’re safe and well taken care of. I’m grateful for all that you’ve done for me. At this time, we’ll get you the help that you need at home. I will be here to love and support you.”
As you know, your father won’t live forever, so it’s important for you to get resolution around the issues with your father while you can. You may want to talk to a family therapist who can help you come to terms with any mixed feelings about your father.
I’m also happy to discuss your father’s living situation on the phone (with you and/or your dad). At Homethrive, our goal is to help the whole family thrive.
Let me know what works best for you. I look forward to updates from you.
Best,
Your Care Guide
Caregiver Guilt, Dementia, and Burnout
Dear Care Guide,
My father has dementia, and he lives with me. I work from home, and I care for him. I love my dad, but the person he is now is not the man who raised me. He’s agitated, rude, and difficult to be around. I can’t afford to place him in a nursing home or memory care facility. I am starting to resent him, and I feel really guilty about it. Is this normal?
Bad Daughter
Dear Daughter,
Working from home and caring for someone with dementia is an incredible feat. You should give yourself a lot of credit for that.
It also sounds like you’re beginning to show signs of caregiver burnout. This isn’t surprising. Caring for someone with dementia is incredibly challenging—especially as it progresses.
The changes in the brain can impact a person’s personality. As your Care Guide, I can help you better understand your dad’s condition and arrange for services that can help your family. This may give you a bit of a break.
For example, remind yourself that you are doing an amazing job. Also, you may wish to consider joining a caregiver support group. Consider spending some time on activities unrelated to your caregiving role.
Similar to all caregivers, it’s important to take some much-needed time for YOU, so you can recharge your own battery. You’ll find that taking care of your own needs will help give you the energy required to get through each day.
Additionally, 25 Caregiving Tips for Alzheimer’s Disease and Dementia may be a helpful resource for you.
Please know that I and the entire Homethrive team are here for you. Our 24/7 helpline is always available—night and day. Let’s work together to give you the support you need.
Stay well,
Your Care Guide
These four adults are experiencing caregiver guilt, which is almost universal. Guilt can be debilitating and leave you feeling exhausted and dissatisfied. You don’t need to be held hostage by these negative feelings
